Obituaries/Funerals

Disclaimer: The following obituary is entirely fictional. Its subject is, in fact, alive and kickin.’

Brittany Lynn Valentine, notorious procrastinator and bottom-shelf liquor consumer, breathed her last breath on Valentine’s Day, a hilarious coincidence not lost on Brittany’s ghost.

She was the online editor for her university newspaper, the widely-read Lock Haven Eagle Eye, and was known for her perseverance, especially when someone would make several bad puns about her last name once a year on the 14th of February.

Brittany enjoyed long romantic walks to Dunkin’ Donuts, staring down pedestrians on sidewalks, and oversleeping. She was planning on graduating from Lock Haven University to fulfill her lifelong dream of living out the rest of her life in a cardboard box. Fortunately for Brittany, caskets do indeed resemble cardboard boxes in some way.

Her cause of death is unknown. She was found sitting in front of her television which was airing Valentine’s Day specials. Surrounded by chocolate and a smell of cranberry juice, she was pronounced dead after she would not blink nor stop glaring at the television set.

As she sat there, dead, hundreds of text messages awaited in her inbox from extremely clever men asking if she would be their valentine solely because of her last name.

Authorities are further investigating her case due to a conspiracy theory that Valentine’s Day is being destroyed by an elite group planning to assassinate all Valentines, both couples and those who share the unfortunate surname.

Valentine’s death has brought attention to the fact that she was the second staff member of the Eagle Eye Newspaper whose death was in some way related to chocolates. She was preceded in death by Nico Salvatori, the Opinion editor, who called it quits after a chocolate overdose.

Several new questions are now being brought to the table by investigators: Is Valentine’s Day really that bad? Why is everyone dying on the Eagle Eye staff and who will be next? Who will now manage the online edition of the newspaper? Or worse, who is the one editing this obituary and the rest of the articles in the Opinion section?

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