A bridge to the future: fixing LHU’s train problem

By Spencer Myers
Word Custodian

April 1st, 2013

Have you ever been crossing train tracks in your car when suddenly and without warning a massive outdated iron behemoth comes hurtling down the tracks? Your car barely crosses the threshold as the train flies by with complete disregard. Surely there must be a solution to this blatant breach of vehicular safety posed by the crossing of road and railway.

I propose one such antidote.

I suggest a ramp that will gently guide any driver over top this antiquated menace. To make the nine foot height required to clear the track securely, the ramp will have to begin at least a half mile before the crossing.

Additionally, I recommend that an eight foot concrete, soundproof barrier to be placed between the tracks and any road that runs parallel to it to prevent any flying debris and to reduce the undesirable noise pollution.

The Norfolk railway system did a laudable job at keeping us safe from the outdated industrial agent of menace, but I believe with these changes, our rail system can finally be safely tucked away from the much more current and liberating method of transportation known as automobiles.

Now I can get to my main point. Driving has the comforts of climate control and barriers from the elements, so why shouldn’t walking? Why must I repeatedly get wet throughout the year while I travel between classes? Why must I tire myself using roundabout routes from building to building?

My project is split into many parts. Premierely, I suggest a SkyBridge®  be installed between East Campus and the Fairview Suites to allow paying students the ease of travel they deserve.

The SkyBridge®, pioneered by billionaire philanthropist Nico Salvatori, is a runway of light energy that both suspends and propels.

Secondly, The path will be surrounded by a tube of synthobioluminescent material constantly projecting enjoyable sunny weather. No longer will I be forced to traverse the icy path to my 9:05 a.m. class.

Normal dormitories will have no access to the SkyBridge®. You get what you pay for.

Tertiarily, I advise that the same nanolight-based technology that allows the SkyBridge® be implemented to create an all-encompassing umbrella over campus that will block out all foul weather and permit only sunshine. All grass will be replaced with much more practical and modern AstroTurf. Think of all of the days that have been ruined by muddy grass. All trees will be clear cut in order to accommodate the pylons of geno-light pylons required to suspend the SkyBridge® umbrella.

This university must stop insisting on holding back progress. Trains are untenable. Give the flesh and blood students the comfort they are entitled to.

Preliminary schematics for SkyBridge®
Sketches courtesy of S.P. Myers


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