North Korea trains military w/Command & Conquer game

By Ryan Rose
Nice Beard

April 1st, 2013

North Korea has recently issued a series of threats, including the warning of nuclear destruction for its neighbor on the peninsula. NK announced that it “could no longer guarantee the safety” of the US. This is bad news for Americans who have thus far relied on the protection of NK.

A picture has been circulating recently with leader Kim Jong-un and some top military officials using a computer in a secret, underground facility resembling a frat house. In his ergonomically-designed kitchen chair from the late 80’s, Kim is being shown mysterious new software. Speculation has spread throughout the international community, but our own Eagle Eye investigators believe that the Dear Leader has obtained a copy of the military training software Command & Conquer and Windows 95. No word yet on whether or not they’ve gotten the multiplayer to work, though we suspect that North Korea now has as many as five computers.

The pure brute force of NK is also worth noting. With 1.2 million soldiers, 4,000 tanks, 900 navy vessels and nearly 500 fighter jets, NK has the fourth largest military in the world. They have missiles capable of striking as far as Hawaii, the most strategically important state of the U.S.

Some naysayers believe that there is no reason to worry about the potential for a North Korean attack. After all the years of isolation, the country has lost access to the majority of outside resources. However, we at the Eagle Eye believe they still have enough gasoline to operate several of their planes (or one tank) for over two hours.

For its foot-soldiers, NK supplies over 200,000 Kalashnikov rifles a year. This same technology was used by the Russians in World War II, along with the cold, to defeat the Nazis. It has been successful in the past—we should fear it today.


Korea, infamous for being impoverished and lacking basic human rights, does have a few social advancements that the United States still does not—quality education and free healthcare. For the half of North Korean citizens that survive infancy, a cushioned life of dental check-ups and a world-class education in nuclear technology await.

North Koreans are additionally siphoning energy upgrades from the United States for its citizens and armed forces in the form of Coca-Cola. This tactical management of resources, no doubt learned through the use of the previously mentioned Command & Conquer software, will give NK a drastic edge. They’ve already come so far with eight hours of sleep—imagine what they can do with only seven.

History repeats itself. America, after having supplied weapons to Afghanistan, had to fight those same people who used those same weapons against them. Now, the United States is repeating that mistake, trading one of its most inhumane commodities to NK—Kentucky Fried Chicken.

In the upcoming months, we as citizens have a decision to make. If our government will not make a bountiful peace offering to the Korean Superpower, we will have to take it upon ourselves. Perhaps we can try to become citizens of the great nation before it swallows us whole. This option will be particularly appealing to American students who want to enjoy North Korea’s gracious, free education.

Ryan Rose is a senior majoring in English, who plans to write a novel that doesn’t become popular. At all. 


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