By Spencer Myers
April 1st, 2013
GREAT BRITAIN – Ginsburn resident Margaret Thackeray recently discovered hidden behind a framed diploma in her study a letter written by none other than William Shakespeare.
The letter is a correspondence from Shakespeare to his contemporary Ben Jonson and lays out in detail “the depths of [his] carnal knowledge.” The bard goes on to write that the only reason he got into the play business was in fact, “to court the fairer maidens whom before would shudder at mine advances.”
Shakespeare goes on to write that “ prior to the advent of mine cash flow the ladies wouldst indeed protest too much.”
Of course as works like “Titus Andronicus” and “Richard III” became popular hits, Shakespeare’s fortunes grew. This allowed him to answer his true calling of picking up women.
Shakespeare sees his sexual exploitations as a public good: “Though many wouldst cast these fair maidens into hell with curses of harlot, I hath found where the higher powers call them, my bedchamber.”
Critics have reacted with an uproar of rationalizations and I told you so’s. Graham Parson’s, a graduate of Bard College, wrote a 32 page literary analysis on how impossibly right he has been for the past 30 years with a single caveat: “He is clearly at least bi-sexual. I mean, look at those earrings!”
The letter’s second purpose is to highlight the fact that Shakespeare has been much more successful in his coital endeavors than Jonson. “Alas, whilst thine words enchant the public, they prove fruitless at shaking the yoke of thine crippled visage; thus the ladies remain cold whilst ye wallow in a winter of discontent.”
Shakespeare holds firm that “the ladies” are his fuel for success. He discounts his other fans as making “sound and fury indicating nothing.” It is only “these fair Aphrodites whom inspire with each every discarded bodice in turn revealing a glowing passionate sun of pale white skin and premium gash.”