Eagle Eye Staff
April 1st, 2013
Stephen King has recently announced that he has run out of story ideas and will enroll here at Lock Haven University as a student. King is enrolled as a recreation management major and plans on joining plenty of extracurricular activities to keep busy.
“I am really looking forward to joining the Lock Haven Paranormal Society,” said King. “I’m hoping that it will help spark some new story ideas. Even if it doesn’t, at least I’ll have my recreation management degree to fall back on.”
When we asked King if he would be interested in joining the Eagle Eye, he told us that he has just become burnt out from writing and wants to spend time on some new interests and hobbies.
King said he may consider joining the fashion club and possibly fencing, and hinted that his new book may have something to do with the aforementioned clubs.
Asked why he chose LHU—of all places—King said, “I just really wanted somewhere out of the way and quiet,” said King. “It’s beautiful here and LHU has the major I wanted. The inhabitants of this town might also provide some great character studies. In my short time here, I’ve already seen some…interesting looking folks walking around downtown and some seemingly possessed dogs, which I may include in my next book if they don’t eat my successful a$$ first.”
King hopes that the “beautiful” weather consisting mainly of clouds and rain will inspire the setting for his next project. “I saw some kids walking along train tracks with not a care towards the weather. I swear I heard they were heading for a dead body.”
Lock Haven has received no press despite Stephen King’s enrollment. King theorizes that the Haven was built on an Indian burial ground that stops the nation from paying attention to it. He was promptly told that he has already used the Indian burial ground idea.
King went on to say “I just hope I can keep the respect of my fans by quitting while I’m still on top. Some writers like to hang out long after they’ve run dry.” King coughed after this. It was clear that he said “John Updike” through the cough.
King implores students to ignore him and act natural. “I just want to get drunk and kick back. Maybe I’ll even get all of the sickness drained out of me by a large black man. The possibilities are endless.”