By Erica Motter
Obsessed with Spain
April 1st, 2013
The LHU community has been rocked by the news of the Quidditch team’s use of performance-enhancing drugs, which they took to boost their energy while playing in matches on their broomsticks.
The scandal was uncovered after one team member had an emotional breakdown in Bentley dining hall last month.
In the middle of a heated argument, the Hufflepuff keeper slammed his plates of food to the floor and began screaming “AVADA KEDAVRA” at his opposer while waving a straw at him wildly. He then threw a chair, sat down on the floor and began to sob.
This was the third act of aggression by a member of the Quidditch team.
In January, a Gryffindor team member caused a near-fatal car accident when she forced another driver off the road in a fit of rage.
Two weeks later, another player was arrested after getting into a fight with his RA, which resulted in broken bones and lacerations to both parties.
Concerned University officials decided to investigate the causes of this string of aggression, which also happened to coincide with the team’s undefeated streak.
After extensive drug-testing, it was found that every member of the team was using steroids in order to play better.
“They aren’t ‘steroids,’ per se,” argued the team’s captain. “We prefer to think of them as ‘potions.’ Just, you know, potions that we inject in order to build and maintain muscle mass. I really don’t see what the problem is.”
Apparently, the athletics department sees the team’s drug use as a huge problem.
The team has been suspended from competing until further notice, and their broomsticks have been taken away.
Other members of the community expressed shock and outrage at the news.
“I thought they were good wholesome kids,” said a Bentley worker who wished to remain anonymous. “Sure, a little strange and delusional, but nice enough.”
“What does taking away their broomsticks really DO anyway?” asked student Claire Jones.
“Doesn’t that just make the game easier for them to play? Maybe if they didn’t do that dumb shit in the first place, they wouldn’t have needed to use steroids.”