Editor’s note: It has recently come to this editor’s attention that Donovan is almost completely unsatisfied with his column and with the Eagle Eye as a whole. He expressed his dissatisfaction in a 32-page missive that this editor received on the morning of Wednesday, October 17, 2012 by way of US postage. The note was written in an elegant hand exemplifying not only Donovan’s immaculate control over the pen and page, but also the quality of the pen itself, exact replicas of which can be purchased at Donovan’s website along with other memorabilia. In his note, Donovan singled out a multitude of this newspaper’s failures, and was justifiably excessive in his use of the word “shoddy” when specifically referring to the Opinion section. Donovan most eloquently expressed his contempt for the Opinion editor’s “lumbering, shoddy prose,” the “shoddy, boring content,” and the “shoddy liberal bias,” the last of which he finds most offensive considering his puritanical upbringing. Though rightfully critical of the Opinion section, he had some harsh words for other sections as well, namely the recipe column entitled “From Angela’s Kitchen.” An eating enthusiast, Donovan never shies from new foods, but after trying each of Angela’s recipes he was “left to suffer in a grotesque state of seemingly perpetual agony and shame as a result of the most unpleasant bowel movements which almost always end in the repainting of the bathroom—a most unhealthy and inconvenient occurrence, especially since I find the loo the most proper writing space as it allows for good posture without sacrificing comfort; the bathroom has always been the one place in which I can truly exorcise my creative demons in private.” In light of these developments, this editor can assure Donovan that a new standard of the highest quality will be implemented for the Eagle Eye from this moment henceforth to appease his conception of journalistic integrity.
Which presidential candidate should I vote for?
Dear Undecided Voter:
Which version of America do you prefer: one with whole binders full of women, or one without them?
Sincerely, and ever your counsellor,